I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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