i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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