Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
cat food counts as protein by the way
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
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He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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