In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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