new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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