Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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