well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
