please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
