Porn is love you can see.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
