I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
