having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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