You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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