Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
