She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
