from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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