I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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