Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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