Are we in a gay sports bar?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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