The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
