we have pet lesbian snakes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
