i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
