if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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