Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
