She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
