I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
