I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
