Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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