I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
