If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
