there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
