broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
