Plan B is the new Plan A
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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