Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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