I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
