i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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