is your mom at the bar?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
