My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
me + whiskey = a bad person
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