Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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