I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
