Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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