What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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