well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
