Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
