In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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