the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
