I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
