Can i not drive my cunt home
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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