Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
