Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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