I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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