i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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