Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
