Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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