i think my tv is drunk
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
